'Do Your Best' — Cub Scout Motto
My favorite story from the past few weeks has been this missing Cub Scout in Utah thing. I love this kid! I want to adopt him! He is definitely that weird kid you went to grade school with. He reminds me of the kid who peed his pants in fifth grade.
We did a project called checks where we had these fake checking accounts to teach us responsibility and shit. Our teacher would fine us for things like misbehaving or we'd get checks for doing extra work. So this kid (I'll call him "Bill") was using the computer at the front of the room (the one that brought me many happy moments while playing Oregon Trail) and "Bill" asked the teacher if he could go pee. She said because it wasn't a regular break time, he'd have to write her a $5 check. "Bill" was unwilling to part with any of his precious non-existent money so he quietly began fording the river. Apparently the stellar Mac graphics were too much and reminded "Bill" of his situation. He stood up in front of the class, looking quizzically at his soaking jeans. Poor "Bill" had peed himself rather than shell out the dough. The teacher felt like an ass (as she should have).
"Bill" also did weird things like begging teachers for empty Kleenex boxes so he could make desktop pencil holders and the standard booger eating. But for the purposes of this post, I must bring it back to my favorite Cub Scout, Little Bill, if you will. When the story first broke, it ran with the kid's school photo. Reason number one you should now destroy any bad photos of yourself. Your parents will give it to authorities and you will be mocked even though you could possibly be dead. We joked at The Daily Union that Little Bill was probably some hopelessly nerdy kid whose parents made him join the scouts to get him outside and we were right. We joked that this was probably the best photo of this kid and we were right. I don't watch television so Andy kept me up to date on the coverage when Little Bill was found. Turns out this is really what this poor kid looks like all the time — same slack-jawed gaze. What really drove me over the edge was reading what he did and his parents' comments after he was found. This kid pulled a total "Bill" and hid from rescuers because his parents told him once that he might get stolen. He took his parents' advice and warnings to the EXXXTREME!
Scared, tired, hungry and thirsty, you know what kept Little Bill going? He had ordered Pokémon cards off Ebay and was holding out hope that they had arrived in the mail. Turns out our "make the kid join scouts so he can get some sun" theory was pretty accurate. My little Cub Scout asked his rescuer if he could play a game on his cell phone.
Perhaps the funniest (or saddest) part was how little Little Bill's family believed in him. His mom admitted that she'd given up hope and had made peace with the situation. Jesus, woman, it was four days! As someone whose own grandparents question my abilities to exist in the world, I took joy in reading his dad's comments:
"Brennan continues to amaze us," said his father, Toby Hawkins. "You know, his ability to deal with this initially, I made the comment that I thought that he was the most ill-prepared out of our five children to deal with it, and now I think he was maybe the best-prepared." (cnn.com)
Andy said that the family, who are Mormons, was on Larry King to talk about the incident. The way he described it, it is once piece of television I wished I could have witnessed. Andy said Little Bill tried to pick his nose several times, each incident ended with his mom slapping his hand down. Total "Bill" move. Andy said Larry King asked Little Bill if he got hungry.
"YES!" Little Bill exclaimed.
CNN reported that the family said Little Bill "was born prematurely and he is socially immature as a result."
"He doesn't have any disabilities; he's just immature," Little Bill's dad said.
Please go hug your parents now. Try to stop laughing because I can't and you're a better person than I am.
This post is dedicated to Jousers (who interestingly enough was in charge of Boy Scouts during this incident), "Bill" and Little Bill a.k.a. Brennan Hawkins. Do Your Best little buddy and remember that you don't have to fish to get Corsola. To get Corsola you will need a Bellosom. You can go to Pacifidlog Town and chat with a lady in the house. She will trade a Corsola for a Bellosom.
Pokémon Trainer in Training,
AKS
We did a project called checks where we had these fake checking accounts to teach us responsibility and shit. Our teacher would fine us for things like misbehaving or we'd get checks for doing extra work. So this kid (I'll call him "Bill") was using the computer at the front of the room (the one that brought me many happy moments while playing Oregon Trail) and "Bill" asked the teacher if he could go pee. She said because it wasn't a regular break time, he'd have to write her a $5 check. "Bill" was unwilling to part with any of his precious non-existent money so he quietly began fording the river. Apparently the stellar Mac graphics were too much and reminded "Bill" of his situation. He stood up in front of the class, looking quizzically at his soaking jeans. Poor "Bill" had peed himself rather than shell out the dough. The teacher felt like an ass (as she should have).
"Bill" also did weird things like begging teachers for empty Kleenex boxes so he could make desktop pencil holders and the standard booger eating. But for the purposes of this post, I must bring it back to my favorite Cub Scout, Little Bill, if you will. When the story first broke, it ran with the kid's school photo. Reason number one you should now destroy any bad photos of yourself. Your parents will give it to authorities and you will be mocked even though you could possibly be dead. We joked at The Daily Union that Little Bill was probably some hopelessly nerdy kid whose parents made him join the scouts to get him outside and we were right. We joked that this was probably the best photo of this kid and we were right. I don't watch television so Andy kept me up to date on the coverage when Little Bill was found. Turns out this is really what this poor kid looks like all the time — same slack-jawed gaze. What really drove me over the edge was reading what he did and his parents' comments after he was found. This kid pulled a total "Bill" and hid from rescuers because his parents told him once that he might get stolen. He took his parents' advice and warnings to the EXXXTREME!
Scared, tired, hungry and thirsty, you know what kept Little Bill going? He had ordered Pokémon cards off Ebay and was holding out hope that they had arrived in the mail. Turns out our "make the kid join scouts so he can get some sun" theory was pretty accurate. My little Cub Scout asked his rescuer if he could play a game on his cell phone.
Perhaps the funniest (or saddest) part was how little Little Bill's family believed in him. His mom admitted that she'd given up hope and had made peace with the situation. Jesus, woman, it was four days! As someone whose own grandparents question my abilities to exist in the world, I took joy in reading his dad's comments:
"Brennan continues to amaze us," said his father, Toby Hawkins. "You know, his ability to deal with this initially, I made the comment that I thought that he was the most ill-prepared out of our five children to deal with it, and now I think he was maybe the best-prepared." (cnn.com)
Andy said that the family, who are Mormons, was on Larry King to talk about the incident. The way he described it, it is once piece of television I wished I could have witnessed. Andy said Little Bill tried to pick his nose several times, each incident ended with his mom slapping his hand down. Total "Bill" move. Andy said Larry King asked Little Bill if he got hungry.
"YES!" Little Bill exclaimed.
CNN reported that the family said Little Bill "was born prematurely and he is socially immature as a result."
"He doesn't have any disabilities; he's just immature," Little Bill's dad said.
Please go hug your parents now. Try to stop laughing because I can't and you're a better person than I am.
This post is dedicated to Jousers (who interestingly enough was in charge of Boy Scouts during this incident), "Bill" and Little Bill a.k.a. Brennan Hawkins. Do Your Best little buddy and remember that you don't have to fish to get Corsola. To get Corsola you will need a Bellosom. You can go to Pacifidlog Town and chat with a lady in the house. She will trade a Corsola for a Bellosom.
Pokémon Trainer in Training,
AKS
posted by The University Daily Kansan at 10:20 PM
5 Comments:
I'm sure "Bill" kept a firm grip on all his boy scouts this summer to make sure none of them got lost in the mountains of Missouri, or wherever the hell he camped.
-Nate
Yeah, I'm sure he "kept a firm grip" on those little fellas ... — AKS
Classic Neeley: Of course I couldn't help making fun of this kid. I make fun of all kids, smart and stupid alike. When I was at work, reading the initial stories, I skimmed and pretty much just read some quotes. I was astounded. Is this kid retarded? I asked myself. If he wasn't looking for help, then why was he evening trying to stay alive at all? Then, of course, I joked about this (at first only to my closest friends, who know me well and still love me, despite my heartless ways toward children). Then I joked about it to a fellow intern, who turned to me, wide-eyed, and explained the kid was socially slow. I'm just waiting for the karmic gods to kick me in the ass for this. Because, like AKS, I still can't help but laugh.
One time, at scout camp, my friend ran into the woods because we told him ghost stories and he thought he heard the ghost coming but there wasn't really a ghost but he ran into the woods and hid in a cave and we couldn't find him for three hours. Fortunately, this was 11 years ago, so I wasn't responsible for him and it's just an amusing anecdote.
One other time, at scout camp (but not really but it was a scout campout), one of my peers ran off to find Cindy Crawford, and my dad found him that evening in a pond with some cows ... naked. He was also "socially slow" ... to the EXTREEEEME.
This other time, at scout camp, the same kid peed in the pool. I'm aware that many kids may pee in the pool, but good ol' Kevin wasn't in the pool when he did it ... he was peeing INTO the pool.
I guess I'll stop.
- Scoutmaster Jousa
OH, I'm not quite done, cus I just realized that AKS' self-proclaimed title, Pokemon trainer in training, can be abbreviated "P-TIT"
Weeeeee!!!
-Bill
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