Yes, I believe I show a flare for the lyric.

So Amanda always tells everyone about the kind of stuff she has to deal with at The Daily Union. Well, here's a sample of what I have to deal with every Thursday. One of our "columnists" always writes these really random columns that never have anything real to say, although they are usually entertaining because they are so out there. However, this week she wrote about how she recently read that some guy was writing an unauthorized musical about Martha Stewart. I know, but it gets better. Because of this, she was motivated to write her own lyrics for a Martha Stewart musical, using much more famous songs for the music. Unfortunately, when AKS tried to sing one of them aloud it didn't work. Partly because of AKS' singing voice, but mostly because of the columnist's choice to use too many syllables when replacing words. Here is a small sample of her writing:

MARTHA’S FAVORITE THINGS
(To the tune of “My Favorite Things”)
Martha-brand roses,
Perfect little kittens,
Bright copper kettles,
Hand-loomed woolen mittens,
Taupe linen packages,
Perfectly tied up with strings,
These are a few of my favorite things . . .

Growing my own fruit,
For crisp apple strudels,
Ringing Wall Street’s bells,
And beating assistants with noodles,
Wild geese that provide the down from their wings,
These are a few of my favorite things . . .

Sewing white dresses,
With blue satin sashes,
K-Mart shoppers that give me their cash-es,
Silver white sheet sets,
That cover the bed springs,
These are a few of my favorite things . . .

When the cops bite,
When the feds sting,
When I'm getting mad,
I simply remember I own all these things,
And then I don't feel so bad . . .

As you can see, Oscar Hammerstein she is not.

The best part is the end of her column: "Yes, I believe I show a flare for the lyric. While others might be doing the unauthorized musical, I’m sure that I will capture the imagination of the Great One. Please don’t call me for a week or two; I want to keep the phone lines open for Martha’s call."

— Donovan